Hey! Don't be a Dick, Governor Rounds!

South Dakotans ready to serve...

2006-12-14T14:23:00.000-08:00

The good news is that it sounds like Senator Johnson is doing okay, but he's still in critical condition--so, please keep praying. And heathen liberals, please keep up your chants and superstitious rituals or whatever you godless freaks do (I'm a Dakotan Democrat, so I actually believe in God, unlike those coastal wackos).

Anyway, since both sides have been more than happy to speculate as to what might happen if Johnson can no longer serve, I've compiled a list of possible replacements (all of whom are from the great state of South Dakota).

Tom Brokaw. The obvious choice. No, the greatest choice.
Tom Daschle. Has experience, but as an angry commenter points out, he did indeed lose his reelection. But losing a close election is better than never having been elected statewide, right? Right.
Mike Rounds. The Unconfirmed Dick had left open the option of running against Johnson in '08. He could pull the ultimate in dickishness: appoint himself. In fact, if he did, I'd support it. That would be such a "fuck-you" to decency that I'd have to respect it.
John Thune. He's already in the Senate, but I don't see why he can't have TWO votes.
Stephanie Herseth. She's really hot. I know it sounds sexist, but I think she's hot enough to be in the Senate. I have no idea how she votes either, and I don't care.
George McGovern. Solid choice. Hates wars, hearts peace, etc.
Bill Janklow. Not in jail anymore, ready for a comeback. It was manslaughter--not murder. I'd support this one.
Bob Barker. Retiring from "The Price is Right." Loves animals, seems to be a populist. Could be an independent.
Cheryl Ladd. Combines the best of Herseth and Barker. Hot (well, was hot), and I'm assuming would be an independent. Maybe she'd caucus with Joementum.
My Cousin. Please see his MySpace profile. Qualified, but he's a darkhorse at best.

You may be asking, "Dave, why didn't you put yourself on the list?". Well, there are three reasons why.

I'm a convicted felon, so I can't serve. I've also never voted.
I'm a pretty successful blogger. I'm people-powered, wouldn't want to become a corporate tool.
Yeah, and I live in North Dakota. I know, I know, but I just thought I'd get that out there now...but, I do believe in reuniting the Dakotas. C'mon, the Civil War was 150 years ago--let's get back together.

Lastly, some guy in the comments asked what I'd do if a Republican senator died in a state where the governor is a Democrat. That's hypothetical, and I don't answer hypotheticals. But if you're not being hypothetical, and you do intend to have a Republican senator killed in a Democratic state to test the theory, I'll have to turn you in to the authorities. So, step off it.

CONFIRMED: SD Secretary of State is a DICK

2006-12-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

While the insensitive partisan speculation about what will happen should Senator Johnson ultimately be unable to serve isn't surprising, I'm quite off put that the secretary of state isn't being a bit more, I don't know, statesmanlike regarding the situation.

Chris Nelson, a GOP crony of Mike Rounds, is quoted all over the place saying (bragging?) that an "appointment by the governor and a replacement would not have to be from the same political party."

Hey, Chris Nelson...fuck you!!!

Seriously bro, can I suggest some better talking points at a time like this?

We're not going to comment on hypotheticals. Our prayers are with Senator Johnson and his family.
In the event that Senator Johnson cannot serve, the governor would have to make an appointment--but none of us are even thinking about that right now. Our prayers are with Senator Johnson's family (and all of the aborted fetuses throughout our great state).
How dare you ask me that question?
No comment.
The governor would, of course, appoint a Democrat. He is not a dick.

Also a dick: the liberal media for not living up to its reputation of fighting tooth-and-nail to affect the outcome of events in this country in favor of the Democratic Party. How come nearly ALL news sources are taking for granted that Mike Rounds will without a doubt appoint a Republican? I mean, he could appoint a Democrat (and doing so would automatically earn him next year's "Profiles in Courage" award, and Ted Kennedy would be the keynote).

By making it sound inevitable and obvious, the media is making it acceptable for Rounds to just appoint a Republican.

Therefore: Chris Nelson is a dick. The media? A bunch of dicks.

So, Mike Rounds: are you a dick?

OUTRAGE: Conservative bloggers say God wants GOP majority

2006-12-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

I hereby call upon the conservative blogosphere to denounce their colleague at Right-Thinking from the Left Coast for the entry "He Be Strokin'," which claims that this is a sign "God does want a Republican majority in the Senate." This douche burglar also talks about how "fucking hilarious" the situation is.

You bastards! I didn't like you before, but I fucking hate you now. I am boycotting ALL of your sponsors.

Join me, won't you?

The beginning of the movement

2006-12-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

No specifics, but apparently Senator Tim Johnson (D-SD) has suffered a stroke. Hopefully it's a minor one and he'll continue to represent South Dakota in the Senate.

But, in the event of a tragedy, I don't trust Mike Rounds any further than I can throw him (and with my bad knee, I shouldn't be throwing anybody). So we want to apply pressure on him right away to pledge to appoint a Democrat to the seat should Tim Johnson be unable to continue to serve.

Out of decency, not only should Rounds appoint a Democrat, but he should also do so to maintain the new balance in the Senate.

He should also appoint someone with experience.

May I suggest Tom Daschle?